290.6….. Long time coming

The phrase long time coming doesn’t even do it justice. I’ve always been, for lack of a better term, conscious of things and people around me, and never really caring. I’ve done what I wanted, and I don’t hurt anyone around me, I don’t cause waves, things like that.

Needless to say, what I have ignored was myself. I’ve existed and as long as I was breathing, can wake up, and can do what I want for the most part, I was content. Note, I used content there. Not happy. This is a problem now.

Perhaps this is my midlife crisis? I don’t have the money to buy an expensive car, house, or anything. I’m only 30 in September, and hopefully that’s not saying my midlife crisis means I’m going to die at 60. Frankly, though, I’ve been having trouble coming to terms with my inability to be happy. Not really having it diagnosed, I could say I suffer from anxiety, depression and general laziness. Looking back, I can easily see how I might be more of an immediate reward person, than a long term. Even in my marriage, which now has been terminated, had the bumps of this immediate reward. I have no savings. I eat what I want, which typically means fried foods, snack all day, drink soda. Right now, I’m focusing on the diet and sedentary life. I have thought about it tremendously over the last few months, and even years sometimes. I’ve always wanted to get back into shape, whereas that shape isn’t round.

To be fair, I’m six foot five. My normal weight was 270 pounds. This is heavy for most, but with my frame, I carried it “well”. I never did feel amazing. I felt OK, or sick, but never amazing. My mentality of immediate reward has probably made me suffer this. I’ll eat what tastes good now, regardless of how good it is for me. I know I’m not alone. America is battling obesity and that problem is spreading across the world where we have enough food for ourselves. Those that don’t have enough eat what they can, but never having a choice.

So what? I’ve gotten habits that I haven’t broken in 29 years. It’s gotten me rotten teeth that affect my self-esteem, a mentality that I’m not worth much because I feel like crap more than normal, and this has now perpetuated to social situations, emotional situations and I find it hard to even get out of bed anymore. So what can I do about it now? I need to hold myself responsible (no one will do it for me reliably) and consider things. I just need to be reminded, it seems, that I’m not alone, that I need to do this for myself, and simply put, I’m not happy with where I am and this is why.

I’ve joined apps to help me work out, track what I’m eating, but it’s so easy to let them slide. Part of my posting this on this blog, which unfortunately doesn’t get read nor updated often, is a social accountability. Peer pressure is real, and many apps work to include that. Few have the time, desire or courage to keep others accountable. Perhaps this is a cry for help? I don’t know. I just hope it helps me, and it’ll be great if it helps others.

Thoughts? Comments? Leave a word.

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